I think it might be starting to sink in.  I leave for Minnesota in 46 days.  A little over a month and I'm gone.  Gone until Christmas...then gone until May.  Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited for NET.  I'm excited to serve and sacrifice and travel and live out of a suitcase.  It's such an adventure.  An adventure like St. Paul would have...although I probably won't be jailed, whipped within inches of my life, and such.  ;)  However, I'm starting to realize what it means to leave everything behind...everyone behind.

Mike and I got engaged last weekend.  Though not much seemed to change on the surface, I have a feeling that the rumblings will begin underneath.  We've united ourselves to this commitment, this end goal.  While we had done this already, it's more solid, more real.  He's joining the Navy for me!  That's absolutely nuts!  He is so serious about this that he'd give away his life for my well-being.  Sacrifice is starting to have a new meaning when you see it  fleshed out.  When it's more than empty words and promises.  It's only beginning.

My friends will be splitting up for college all over the country.  Silly as it sounds, I feel like I'll hear from them less while I'm away on NET than if I'd gone to a far-away college.  This year will be one filled with friends.  I mean that in two ways.  I'll find out who my real friends are, whose committed to writing me actual letters and struggling to keep in touch.  I'll also have the joy of deep, new friendships while I'm on the road.  After all, I'll be living with these 10-12 people for nine months.  Exciting, but kind of scary.  The future is all-telling.

Basically, I'm psyched for NET.  I would not rather be doing ANYTHING else right now.  I know this is where I belong this year.  It's going to be a step of faith every single day.  Who will I lose, who will I gain?  What struggles with push me down, and what beauty will pull me up?  I don't know.  I do know one answer remains.  God.  I will gain Him in whole new ways and His beauty will pull me up. 

Going away is one of the scariest things...it's not summer camp.  It's not time riddled with vacations back home.  It's not constant phone calls and time to catch up.  I'm sacrificing my life, my friends, my family, my comfort in hopes that they'll be constant and unwavering when I return. 

So the title for this post comes from a song by The Fray.  Hearing those lyrics last night, with Mike hugging me.  It hit me hard and I was mildly terrified.  God provides faith for those who ask.  Thank goodness for that.


Picture you're the queen of everything
as far as the eye can see
under your command
I will be your guardian
when all is crumbling
I'll steady your hand

You can never say never
While we don't know when
But time, time, and time again
Younger now than we were before

Don't let me go
don't let me go
don't let me go

We're pulling apart and coming together again and again
We're growing apart but we pull it together, pull it together, together again

Don't let me go
don't let me go
don't let me go

Once again I find myself apologizing for the lack of posts.  Though, it seems a lot of you have also followed suit because of your busy summer schedules.  I figured I should do something for this poor xanga that is so often left alone.  The thing is, I update my life via my journal, xanga, facebook, wordpress, and actually conversations...it gets kind of repetitive and overwhelming.  Nonetheless...

My ring came in about a week or more ago.  I handed it over to Mike, which made me realize that this could start happening at any time.  At any given moment he could get down on one knee with that ring.  Absolute insanity.  This is part of the reason I wish I didn't know the time period in which this was coming.  Haha.  My mom casually started asking about colors, friends have apparently been referring to us as fiancees, and (unbelievably enough!) mention of grandkids has popped up.  All this brought about the moment when something else hit me.

This union of two people, it really is "you and me and all of the people".  Pardon my lame Lifehouse quote.  These friends, family members, and loved ones (sometimes mixed with prying strangers) are intricately involved, emotionally invested, and impressively sincere.  It's that community, that communion.  It reminds me of the Church and I love it.  That was a bit random, but pretty relevant.

Next thought: What could this early-age engagement do to these well-meaning people?  My most immediate concern is those younger than me who look up to me.  My youth minister has suggested some negative possible outcomes.  My engagement could create a false reality for them.  They might start to think that this is "normal" or "common" and thus might (purposely or accidentally) believe any evil-intentioned high school boy who makes false promises of forever.  Another dilemma.  A lot of girls struggle with self image and seeing this engagament might make them feel worse about themselves, even though they are all uniquely beautiful.  They might think that they'll never find that and think they are "abnormal" for not having such a commitment at their age.  Basically, there are two extremes that are of the most concern.  Any thoughts as to how to...help with this?

Also, for anyone who wants to keep up with my NET prep and such, I've started a wordpress which you can comment on without having an account (ah, the beauty).  http://caitlynmaksymiak.wordpress.com

I have been updating, I swear!  However, they've all been private posts.  See, I've had a lot going on that I needed to write through and think through.  Now, I can come to you with a product in transit (since it's not quite finished or official).  So...here's what all the turmoil was about.

I've been praying and praying for a conviction about God's timing.  See, His timing can be impossibly elusive, generally even more so when you already know the final outcome.  In this scenario, the final outcome was Mike and I getting engaged.  However, the timing dilemma was coming into play.  Since I leave for NET and he leaves for the Navy this fall, we started considering an earlier engagement.  Of course, we considered with caution (or at least I did  ). 

The biggest thing hindering me was NET.  I was terrified that our engagement would negatively impact those on my team, retreatants, and host families.  Thus, I sent an email to the director.  The only reason behind his discouragement was that engagement is meant to be a short, intense period of preparation.  In our circumstances, we have to draw that period out in order to be adequately prepared seeing as we both will be apart because of the Navy.  Air go, that fear was wiped away.

Also, I spent an evening at the Chapel with my friend Andrew.  First, God hit me with a very obvious thought process ending with the perfect, familial love of the Trinity.  Yep, God drew me there to point out the family He is a member of.  Interesting, right?  Andrew then prophesied and spoke some wise words from Scripture.  Why was I hesitant?  Simple.  Fear of one thing or another.  However, perfect love drives out fear.  This situation wouldn't be so prevalent if it wasn't supposed to be.  Plus, I still have that peace. 

God speaks to my restless heart by giving me a deep-seated peace, even when the surface is splashing around like crazy.  I have a tendency to doubt even when I know (in my head and in my soul) that the doubts are illogical.  Thus, during such a crazy time, the fact that I have a deep peace is a comforting touch of God's approval of this decision.  I know completely that I couldn't possibly be keeping my cool if this was only me.

So, in case you missed it, the process has begun!  Mike has started talking to immediate family and (amazingly) receiving blessings for the engagement to happen.  He has also started finding ways to get the money necessary to purchase both him and I engagement rings.  Exciting! 

Please, please be praying for us and our families!  This will be quite a difficult journey because of the separation and our young age, but we're stepping out in faith.  Thank you for everything.