Alright, confession time.  There's a new song that hit me sometime during all of my travels home from school.  I have to admit that I'm a sucker for romance and I'm in love with an amazing man who I once dubbed my brother.  Thus, any really good song that relates to him steals my heart pretty quickly.  It's that whole, someone took my feelings and thoughts and put them to music, hey thanks, sort of thing.  So...an excerpt of the lyrics and then I'll explain my most recent revelation.

Anyone can tell you you're pretty
You get that all the time, I know you do
But your beauty's deeper than the makeup
And I wanna show you what I see tonight

When I  wrap you up
When I kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
And never let you forget
Cause I wanna make you feel wanted

Right?  Absolutely fabulous.  It's mushy sounding, but the message hit me.  Yeah, yeah, I love the side of you other people don't see and all that jazz.  But this holds special relevance to me as of late.  I was feeling pretty attacked about a month ago with the typical woman body image issues.  Yes, it is silly, but it doesn't change the feelings.  (Sidenote: Never tell a girl who is struggling that she shouldn't be because she's thin, beautiful, etc.  Chances are she knows that deep down, but that doesn't change her feelings.  I'm NOT saying that you should validate her feelings by agreeing with her.  What I am saying is that she needs support, not someone telling her she's wrong and needs to change it.  She would love to if it were that easy.  Now, back to your regular program.)  I'd been talking to Ben about how I was feeling and he pointed out the truth that he saw without discrediting the way I felt.  Did it fix everything?  No.  But it was nice to know he understood and was there.

Now that I'm finally home and get to spend time with him in person I've realized just how much I truly am loved and wanted.  The wanted part goes back way before a month ago.  Deep dark secret is this: I wrestle(d) with the lie that no man would ever want me because of parts of my past.  Even though I am well aware that Christ has healed and continues to heal that wounded part of my heart, that is the lie that pervades any attack on my heart.  That is my weak spot.  My major insecurity always comes back to this.  Perhaps now you're beginning to see what it is about this song that struck me so deeply.  It wasn't just the idea of being loved and my past overlooked, it was the idea that I could still be wanted with my wounds bared. 

Other side story.  The Lord did a beautiful thing in me one Mass recently.  As I prepared to receive Him incarnate I was reminded of the reality of the consummation of our love in the Eucharist.  We become one flesh in that blessed, sacred moment.  As I prepared to approach Him, walking up that aisle, He whispered into my heart.  "I have always wanted you."  There it is.  Romanced again.  I am wanted by the man who knows every detail of my life and sees all of the ugliness.  He doesn't care.  I am loved.

Back to Ben.  A gift of being in his presence is being able to touch him.  We've mastered the art of conversation seeing as long distance demands that.  However, there's just something about a good physical touch moment.  What I've noticed is that, when those moments occur, my insecurities, no matter how deeply rooted prior to that instant, dissolve.  There is no question in my mind that I am loved and wanted even when my scars are shown and my past comes out.  Now, I'd also like to clarify that wanted does not mean what our oversexualized world would imply.  Of course, in the context of marriage, there is a beauty to the longing for each other in that way.  Here, my meaning is different.  I am not "wanted" for my body or for what I can do or how useful I am.  I am wanted, desired for all of me.

I think a huge divide comes sometimes when all of this comes up.  We can get trapped in the idea that our flaws can be overlooked or ignored and that is what love is. Wrong.  I think that's why the word wanted fits my mindset for now.  It's not that my flaws are overlooked and then I can be loved, rather, my wounds are staring someone down and they want those, they want me, they want the package deal.  What a beautiful love, to want someone's wounds as well as the rest of them.  The good news is, Christ is training us in that kind of love.  That is how He loves.  That is why the crucifix is love perfected.  It is ugly, but it is beautiful.  

   Celebration for a break through is in order.  As I sat before the Lord in Adoration today I must admit I started dozing.  However, it didn't feel like I was asleep, I was just so peaceful.  Anywho, when I guiltily opened my eyes I felt the courage to face and feel emotions I'd been shutting out.  "You have only to stay still and the Lord himself will fight for you."  (Ex 14:14)  That was my prayer in that moment prior to unleashing far too many childhood memories.  I gave them their due though.  I went through them from my first trauma to the most recent decisions of my life.

   Finally, after looking through those childhood memories I had thought irrelevant, I saw how they really affected me.  While I thought they were simply things of the past, I came to understand their weight in my life.  Those moments had fostered a dislike for my self, a doubt that I could ever be wanted, and a lingering feeling of unworthiness.  I was damaged goods and I would accept any form of acceptance, even if it was counterfeit.  After all, that was what I deserved, if anything.

   From that place of indescribable brokenness, I grew into who I am.  As the years came, I was wanted, but I experienced it through use and abuse of my weak state.  I detested it, yet I clung to it in fear that it was all I would ever have.  I made my decisions that I most wrestle with because I was...I am...a broken woman who has been shaped by the wounds of my past.  At long last, I can look at my mistakes with the same compassion with which the Lord looks upon me.  Now, I can see myself as He does.

   My thought recently--though most concretely examined this morning during prayer--is that I miss the person of God in my life.  Of course He's still here.  Clearly this little failing is all my doing.  I know that He hasn't gone anywhere.  Therefore, I must be the one who's stepped away.  It is so easy for me to slide into my logic, business-minded relationship with Him.  "I'll go wherever You want.  Just give me directions."  I've gotten quite good at following directions and doing His will.  Those are the moments when I lose sight of Him.  Those moments when I can sit before Him in Adoration without a single question needing an answer.  I could just rest, just be in His presence.  Sometimes we get so hung up on getting the plan right that we forget why we're doing it in the first place.  For love of Him.  Yet, the details become the focus and the man behind the actions becomes a business partner.  "Get me to the next step.  I'll follow."  Great.  But isn't the void widening when we forget why we act.  Love.

   So my resolution as of right now?  Return to Him and ask Him to show me His face.  If I can see that glimpse of beauty and glory, the details will fill themselves in.  If I am captured, captivated by Him, I can't go the wrong way in my life.  Sure, if there's a decision to be made, I'll bring it to Him and ask for direction.  However, I won't let that be what our relationship dwindles down to.  He's been so good in humoring me as I bring the same decision to Him day after day.  He continues to confirm me and pour out His grace.  I know that it's still a vital part of my prayer that I should keep bringing back daily.  I just don't want that to consume my relationship with Him.  I want to just love Him and let everything else flow through that.

   I have been so blessed to see the fruit of prayer and be able to attribute it to such.  In my current relationship, I haven't yet encountered that sneaking lust.  That grace directly corresponds to my daily prayer for Our Lady to guard, protect, and keep pure my heart, mind, and body.  It's worked, praise God.  Likewise, in smaller moments when I've prayed for the words to speak or healing of relationships, I've found it.  The Lord has been so good to me.  I'm always left standing in awe as He transforms me.  I can only hope (for hope does not disappoint) that He will give me the grace to place Him above His works when it comes to my love.  I long to love Him for who He is and not what He does.  Seeing how He pours out an abundance of grace, I can only engage in the battle with expectant faith. 

"For love of You, I'm a sky on fire.  And because of You I come alive.
It's Your sacred heart within me beating, Your voice within me singing out
for love of You."  Audrey Assad