to double digits...

Today=10 days until I leave.  That's so unreal to me.  Surreal.  Basically, I can't believe it's happening.  It doesn't seem possible.  Every once in a while it would hit me like a ton of bricks and I'd feel kind of sad (like yesterday trying to take a nap, seeing my suitcase, and not wanting to waste time sleeping).  Times on the mission trip when people made comments about our last "big trip" together.  Moments when others broke down into tears or let the sad smile seep across their face and you could read it in their eyes.

I just keep praying for courage and strength.  I've hit that time period where this won't feel like the end until the night before I head off.  For now, every day just seems like the beginning of the end of another summer.  It won't click that it's not like every other summer until I'm headed to the airport, boarding a plane, and watching everything pass away...all alone.  God is my constant companion.  Thank goodness for that.  Nonetheless, I'm going to miss everyone like crazy.

I know I keep posting day counts and saying the same things...so what?  When I'm awake and there's no one to talk to, I resort to this.  These thoughts keep circling inside my head, they return to me daily as the numbers flicker and fade...as I watch wasted minutes tick by, wishing I could be with someone doing something awesome.

I remember when
We used to laugh
About nothing at all
It was better than going mad
From trying to solve all the problems we're going through
Forget 'em all
Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall
Together we faced it all
Remember when we'd

Stay up late and we'd talk all night
In a dark room lit by the TV light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

We'd listen to the radio play all night
Didn't want to go home to another fight
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

I remember when
We used to drive
Anywhere but here
As long as we'd forget our lives
We were so young and confused that we didn't know
To laugh or cry
Those nights were ours
They will live and never die
Together we'd stand forever
Remember when we'd

Those nights belong to us
There's nothing wrong with us

I remember when
We used to laugh
And now I wish those nights would last

It's amazing how time flies.  Maureen made a good point tonight while we were chatting beneath the stars.  This summer, rather than starting to cut ties, I strengthened ties and formed new ones.  I made it harder to leave.  Every time I get sad I remind myself that the sacrifice just means more because I'm really giving up something I love...or lots of someones I love. 

I have to be strong for my girls and for everyone who looks up to me.  I have to be logical and think through everything.  I have to be the strength and the encouragement they need right now.  They need to hear that they can do it, they can fill my position better than I could, that they're ready, that they'll be just fine.  It's all true.  Really.  Nonetheless, I don't want to miss them so horribly.  I'm less worried about my "position" as their mentor and example, and more sad by the stretching of many close friendships over so many miles.  I'm going to miss them as friends, as sisters, as brothers.  They mean so much to me and I'm going to miss seeing them and talking to them and laughing and everything.  The truth is...I need them more than they need me.

Thank goodness for older brothers who can have that sad look but pull the same card for me.  They can stand there as everything crumbles down and I let the walls collapse.  I can let them be my older brothers, my protectors, and I can sob and be weak without hesitation.  Their open arms and knowing faces and soft, comforting words can ease so much anxiety.

As much as I'm terrified to leave, I am so excited.  I know you read these posts and they all seem to have a negative theme regarding leaving.  It's because I need to let those out somewhere.  Thank goodness for this lovely blog.  ;)  There's so much awaiting me 16 days from now.  Friendships, faith, ministry, sacrifice, joy, God.  It's awesome.  I can't wait to spread God's message, to share the convictions of my heart, to form bonds with team mates for life.  Brothers and sisters in Christ await me.  My leaving also allows good to come about in those left behind.  They get the spotlight, they get to shine, they get to move up and experience the joy I felt.  All I can say is shine bright.  You all have so much potential.  Don't worry, I won't forget you.  Ever.

"Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can't make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good ."